This is a story about a girl named Lucky.
Okay, my name is Summer but I just really wanted to start with that. Anyway, last summer this girl had pretty much everything she’d ever wanted: a job she loved, friends who loved her, and an iPhone camera roll full of pictures of Lollapalooza. Life was going pretty great for the first time in a long time, and she was starting to think that there was nothing that could bring her down. But as Nelly Furtado said, all good things must come to an end, and, as so many times before, this was no exception. Now, if I’m frank, I feel like I have a lot going for myself: I’m smart and witty and use a lot of obscure and out of date pop culture references. I’m a delight, truly, which is why I couldn’t figure out for a long time why this whole situation happened at all.
The real Beginning of the End was around Halloween, which was interestingly enough the Beginning of the Beginning for a friendship that I am positive will last my entire life. Seriously, the day the cracks in my IRL social life began was the exact same day I met Rachel and Jessica Davies for the first time. Like, THE VERY SAME DAY (funny how the universe works sometimes). A visual interpretation of this falling out is like the crack in an iPhone screen: it starts out as a very insignificant chip in the edge that can almost fully be hidden with your case and ends when it gets tossed in frustration and the entire screen shatters with pieces of glass falling out when you swipe.
It was small stuff at first, stuff I didn’t really notice until later, and then all of a sudden it was completely irreparable for a really stupid reason.
I’m not going to go into too many details and specifics because I like to think the past is the past, but you could say this girl went from Lucky to Life Falling To Shambles in 0.5 seconds. It was New Year’s Eve, which I find incredibly fitting, and I essentially chose to spend the night with my family, texting emoji patterns back and forth with Jessica, joining in on a SnckPck video chat (lol), eating way too much cheese, and discovering the show Naked and Afraid, which in all honesty still sounds like the best night ever. That’s when the original “fight” started, if you can even call it that. Four days later was my last day at my “promising” job and — unbeknownst to me at the time — the beginning of a brand new chapter of my life. Instead of being surrounded by my friends while I decided to change my job and ultimately my career and life as a whole, I experienced a really weird type of isolation. It seemed now that I was unemployed nobody really cared about me anymore. At least that’s how I interpreted the situation, and honestly when I confronted my at the time BFF about it, she basically told me that was exactly it. She threw out some harsh and untrue words about depression which I have suffered from since I was in high school and essentially said she was jealous of my internet life which is still completely baffling to me in so many ways. Why be jealous of my friends? You ARE my friends?
Anyway, my intended little bit of space turned into a lifelong silent treatment, I guess, and I haven’t talked to her since that week at all. I said my piece which happened to be that I felt like no one cared about me and I guess the loud and clear message was LOL we don’t, which was extremely hard to swallow since it meant leaving me with zero friends in my city.
Since January I have been pretty isolated from the outside world, which hasn’t helped me finding closure from this. I worked a job teaching kindergarteners their ABCs and started babysitting these kids I absolutely adore, but unfortunately having conversations about how boys are icky while braiding hair or building a new Lego set doesn’t exactly count as meaningful adult conversation (sorry kiddos). My social life existed solely on the internet up until a few weeks ago when I nervously reconnected with a friend I lost touch with last fall for a pretty shitty reason on my part.
By this summer life is 100% different and 100% better to be honest. These last 8 months have given me time to decide what I really wanna do with my life, apply and get accepted back into college, discover a lot about myself and my resilience, and most importantly work hard on the two best friend relationships I have ever and will ever have (s/o to Jessica and Sarah). I have felt Over It for a while now, even though I’ve faced more than my share of feeling sick seeing one of my old friends names come up on Facebook or listening to a song I listened to a lot last summer. Reading your old journals is a pretty bad idea when you’re trying to get over something, so def 10/10 don’t recommend that for a closure tactic.
My ultimate test was the first time me and the friend I reconnected with went out to my friends’ old hangout spot on one of their birthdays of all nights (you can see how the Lucky thing was sarcasm now, right?). When I saw them, which I was bound to, what would I think? How would I feel? How would my first IRL interaction with them leave me reacting? Honestly, I was totally fine. I didn’t look over and think, “wow, I really wish I was still friends with them.” I also didn’t think, “wow, I wish I never had been friends with them,” because even though it ultimately ended pretty badly, you are the sum of your experiences and these are people that made me learn something about myself and grow as a human being whether directly or indirectly.
I have a theory on closure: I don’t think you really “get over” anything. “Get over it” is honestly the worst thing you can say to me about any situation, because I think it implies that my feelings aren’t valid enough to be felt or something. I may never get over what happened, and I don’t think anyone really ever does. Instead we learn, we heal, and we grow. To me, closure isn’t about what happened being fixed and erased, but learning to deal with it, using it to become a better person, and moving onto the next chapter of your life.