All You Need Is A Light Jacket

By Taylor

Collage by Paula

today is april 25. i am sitting on my couch as i write this. i am waiting for my laundry to finish. my laundry is just socks, underwear, and college t-shirts from schools i was rejected from. i have to go to the ATM later. then i have to buy dinner because my fridge is empty and, at the moment, i am eating betty crocker frosting with my fingers. i am also listening to “i’m not a girl, not yet a woman” by britney spears. don’t laugh. i see you laughing. i can say in all earnestness that this song, which came out in 2001, is now something i find alarmingly relevant to my life.

today is april 25. it is my birthday. i hate when people ask “do you feel any older” because that’s a ridiculously stupid question. i don’t feel any older, in fact, i think i’m benjamin buttoning. there are times when i think i’m growing into an independent young woman and then there are those rare occasions that seem to counteract this notion. these are some examples:

– money: going to the ATM generally makes me feel like a real adult human person. until last week when i was told i had “insufficient funds.” i had a panic attack and screamed at janice, who was a really nice citibank employee. i am really sorry janice. the issue was promptly fixed after i also learned i forgot to tell janice i had used my card in another country without notifying her. janice, i’m trying, i promise. i will never put you through that again.

– groceries: this was my grocery list the last time i went food shopping:

1. bananas
2. kinder buenos (a pack of 12)
3. rosé (1 bottle)
4. white zinfandel (1 bottle)
5. london dry gin (1 bottle)
6. vanilla frosting
7. chocolate frosting (it was BOGO so shut up)
8. 6 assorted frozen pasta dishes
9. babybel cheese
10. baby powder

which leads me to…

– hygiene: i can’t wash my hair. i can’t do it. i mean i DO do it, obviously, every once in a while. but i really am so envious of those girls that can bring themselves to wash their hair everyday. my roommate jordan says she feels “gross” if she doesn’t. meanwhile, i’m just sitting here and i really can’t tell you the last time i got my hair wet. i don’t know why this is. my hair isn’t even long anymore so i don’t have an excuse. i justify this malady in saying that my hair has more texture when it’s not clean or that it’s easier to style. but really it’s because i am a lazy piece of garbage. i can say, with complete confidence, that i would not be the person i am today without baby powder and tresemme’s dry shampoo (i’m assuming i’ll get a lifetime supply now for that plug).

relationships: i don’t have a boyfriend. i’ve never had a serious boyfriend. all i have is the internet. my mom gave birth to my brother when she was my age. she had a literal human pop out of her body and here i sit, unable to even furnish a cool igloo on club penguin.

today is april 25. it is my birthday. i am 20 years old. t-w-e-n-t-y. two decades on this earth and i still don’t really have any idea what’s going on, ever. i think today i’m going to walk into a tattoo parlor and get that line “i’m so embarrassed…i’m not a real person yet” from frances ha tattooed right on my face, gucci mane-style.

today is april 25 and it is my birthday and i have been dreading this day for as long as i can remember. i am no longer a teen. i am an adult. i am an adult and i will always defend one direction’s honor. i am an adult and i just learned how to make scrambled eggs this year. i am an adult and i have never used a tampon. i am an adult and i just realized you can take photos on an iphone by pressing the volume button. i am an adult and i have seen every episode of victorious. i am an adult and these things shouldn’t contradict that fact.

today is april 25 and i can’t ever get away with being glued to my phone at family gatherings ever again. before, my mom would roll her eyes and go “oh, you know…teens.” but now it’s going to be “stop it, you’re supposed to be an adult.”

but to that,
i say:


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