If I Had To Be A Fictional Spy

Drawing by Brie
Drawing by Brie

Amy: If I had to be a fictional spy, I would be Ruby Redfort. Ruby, originally featured in the Clarice Bean series of books by Lauren Child, was a fictional spy that the fictional character Clarice Bean read about. In 2011 Lauren Child released the first of a series all about Ruby Redfort and her adventures. Here’s what the Wikipedia page has to say about her: “Ruby is a genius code-cracker, a daring detective, and a gadget-laden special agent who just happens to be a thirteen-year-old girl. She and her slick side-kick butler, Hitch, foil crimes and get into loads of scrapes with evil villains, but they’re always ice-cool in a crisis.” Who wouldn’t want to be her? In 2013, Ruby published a guide entitled “The Ruby Redfort Emergency Survival Guide For Some Tricky Predicaments” and there are lots of golden nuggets of advice in this that can help you. She offers advice on a variety of problems that could and probably will arise, such as “How To Sidestep An Angry Dog” to “Dealing With Individuals Who You Know Are Dangerously Dull”. She’s a total bad-ass who can fight off anyone who gets in her grill but despite this she still manages to be wonderfully polite and considerate of people’s feelings (YOU GO, RUBY). She also has a great taste in accessories as she frequently sports li’l hair grips with FLIES on like these. Overall, she’s a totally awesome gal, and that is why if I had to be a fictional spy, I would choose to be Ruby Redfort.

Kathryn: If I had to be a fictional spy, I would be Harriet of Harriet the Spy, which was a book published in 1964 and adapted into a movie in 1996. It’s about an aspiring writer (LIKE ME) who likes snooping in other peoples’ business (LIKE ME), just trying to make it in the sixth grade (LIKE ME!!!!). Everyday, Harriet follows a spy route through her neighborhood and writes down her observations in a notebook, hoping to become the editor of the school newspaper. Unfortunately, Harriet is a little too snarky for her own good and gets in trouble with her classmates when her arch nemesis, Marion Hawthorne, steals her notebook and reads Harriet’s rather burn book ­like observations aloud. Her classmates form a “Spy Catcher Club” to get revenge on Harriet, who reacts by taking revenge back on THEM (girl is resilient), but in the end she gets to be newspaper editor and uses that as a platform to apologise for her brutally honest notebook entries. That’s where the story ends, but Harriet is a real go­getter and I like to imagine that ya girl grew up to become a regular Arianna Huffington.

Jessica: Sydney Bristow now. Sydney Bristow forever. The main character of the spy drama Alias was flawlessly portrayed by Jennifer Garner from 2001 to 2006. Sydney blessed my tv screen for five intense seasons and literally last week I dreamed I was her because she’s still my #1. Sydney is multinlingual?? Simultaneously defends the USA and attends Grad school? Best friends with Bradley Cooper?? In touch with her emotions? Has a positive sister relationship? At one point her boss is Angela Bassett?? AND her existence was predicted by a 15th century prophet???? What more could I want. This character and show is vital. Alias was the first piece of pop culture I consumed with complete disregard for my sanity. I watched each episode live and bought the DVD’s in the summer to watch Sydney kick ass worldwide again before the next season’s premiere. I bought the *companion novels* that either gave me more insight into Sydney before the series began or were happening simultaneously to the series. I even spent like $40 on a book that summarized everything about the show into CIA files because I was in that deep. Sydney is a truly fascinating character and probably the best spy in the history of ever. I will happily wear my Syd-centric goggles for always and try to get everyone in my life to watch the show until I leave Earth.

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